The sadness within
by heavenoverhell
Summary: A retake on Merrill's last quest. A person can only take so much before they break. Merrill is one of these people. M!Hawke/Merrill Rated M for attempted sucicide and language.


Hawk held on to Merrill as he walk her back to his estate. They just got back from sundering right after the deaths of the keeper and Merrill clan. Hawk didn't enjoy killing her clan but when they threaten Merrill, he let his reaver rage take over. At that time the only thought going through his head was to protect Merrill at all cost. He knew he should have tried to make peace but his anger was beyond his control.

It was only then when he spared a glance at Merrill. The sight of her broken face broke his heart ever more. She was forced to watch as the closest person she had to a mother die in front of her. Then to make matters worse Fenris and Anders insulted her right after the keeper died. Then right after that, she is forced to kill her clan just to survive. Since then Merrill hasn't spoken a word, not even when Fenris and Anders assaulted he with cruel and barbed were almost back at his estate where he could take care of her. As they crossed through high town, he could feel the glares of the nobles of high town. He knew that they despised that he chose Merrill as the women he would love. He only cared about them when they insulted his Merrill. Most of them stop insulting her in public after he broke the jaw of a noble for calling her a knife ear whore. His dear friend Aveline was pissed and glad he did that.

She was pissed because he caused her to fill out a ton of paper work. She was also glade because he stood up for Merrill and didn't put up with the nobles men bull shit. sadly right when he was in the middle of high town a noble just had to push his luck. "Why in the world are you even caring for knife ear oh mighty champion?" questioned a smug noble. It took all of Hawk's control not to kill the bloody noble. Hawk gave the noble man a menacing glare as he spoke with a voice full with barely controlled rage. "If you want to keep your tongue you will get out of my sight." Hawk all but growled at the man. The noble man paled and ran as if a dragon was chasing him. With all distractions out of the way he took her to their bed room in the estate. He left her sitting on the bed as he went to get a bath ready.

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'_It's all my fault. Why didn't I listen to them. Why did they have to die when I still live. I'm the reason they're all dead. I don't deserve to live for what I done.' _thought Merrill as she sat upon Hawk's bed. she slowly glanced around the room. Her gaze soon fell upon a dagger that Hawk kept in the room. _'I may not be able to change what I've done but I will face the same fate as them." _Merrill thought as she got up and approached the dagger.

When she rached where the blade rested she slowly moved to pick it up. She held blade close to her face to examine it closely. '_such a simple blade yet it can redeem my soul.' _thought Merrill as she lowered the blade to her neck. She took a few seconds to remember all she knew. Her clan, her friends, and then lastly Hawk. This caused her to shed a few tears. Hawk the man she love. The man who protected her from all who try to harm her. The man who attacked Templars and blood mages on his own without hesitation when they kidnapped her. The man showed her what it meant to be in love.

This only strengthen her resolve. _' I have to do this or he will die like the others.' _thought Merrill. She knew what she was doing would break his heart. She almost pulled the blade away from her neck._ 'No I have to do this no matter what.' _thought Merrill as she griped the dagger tighter. As she was about to end her life, she heard Hawk scream her name.

* * *

Hawk rushed into their like a bat out of hell and ripped the dagger out of her grasp and tossed it aside. She rushed to get the dagger back only for Hawk's hand to clamp onto Merrill arm. He then pulled her into hug. She struggled to escape his grip as she screamed at the top of her lung about not letting her die. This only made him grip her tighter. After a few minutes, she calmed down and stop struggling with him. She then started to cry when Hawk started to whisper sweet nothings in her ears. " How?" sobbed Merrill. "What do you Mean Merrill?" spoke Hawk as he cradled her in his arms. "How can you love a monster like me?""Merrill you are not monster." spoke Hawk gently. This only caused her to bawl even more.

"How can you say that Garret?" cried Merrill "My clan is now dead because of me! How am I not a monster!"**"Damn it Merrill you are not a monster! The keeper chose to save your life. Your clan chose to try to kill you. They chose to die Merrill!"** Hawk yelled at Merrill shutting her up. With a calm voice Hawk spoke "Merrill please don't kill your self over this I beg you. I couldn't live with out you." Merrill looked down in shame. How could she not see what she was about to do? She wouldn't of save Hawk by killing her self. No she would have broken him to the point he wouldn't be able to function.

Hawk to a hold of Merrill's chin and forced her to look him in the eyes. "Hawk I..." Hawk put a finger on her lips stopping her from finishing."Merrill," Hawk started" I under stand why you tried to do what you tried to do and to answer your earlier question why I love you," A lop sided grin showed on Hawk's face"its because you are the only one who loves me for who I am." Hawk finished with a kiss.

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_please review:)_


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